CRAAAZY for you: Starring dem craaazy JOBROS
by Disgruntled Moth Man
Summary: This is what happens when the Jonas Brothers ACTUALLY get a Hippopotamus for Christmas. Adventure, Hilarity, and more ensues! Possibly rooooomance? This story has nothing to do with olives. Caution: Written at 5 am.
1. CH 1: Joe Conquers the Venomous Moth

**CHAPTER 1: Joe conquers the Venomous Moth**

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"READY TO GO!" Nick screamed at the top of the snowy hill.

"I do not know, I am not sure that it is aerodynamic enough." Added Joe, sceptically.

"Oh shush, it's already a super mega foxy awesome toboggan with flames on the side." Replied Nick. "now all we need is a test driver."

"IM DOWN LIKE JUDGE JOE BROWNNNN!" Kevin popped up out of nowhere.

"Yeah right, your hair is SO un-aerodynamic." Joe snorted.

"….Dude, did you just snort?" asked Nick.

"Why I do believe so." Joe remarked.  
Nick snorted at Joe's remark. But he was interrupted mid-snort by the sound of a mysterious voice.

"Hey there. Mind if I take it for a spin?"

The three brothers turned around to see a girl with a very aerodynamically shaped head. All three of their right eyebrows arched in unison.

"…I don't think so. Are you aware that you look like a shark?" They questioned.

"Hey now. Don't discriminate against my people!" Replied shark girl.

"Sorry lady, but sharks belong in the sea eating fishies, not on the slopes eating dirt when they crash into a giant tree cause they CAN'T DRIVE FREAKIN TOBOGGINS!"

Suddenly, the shark became enraged. "You WILL pay for this!" she vowed, as she stormed off beyond the hill and into the abyss.

The brothers exchanged glances and turned around simultaneously to face their toboggan to find two girls examining it and rifling through it.  
"HEY!" Cried Joe  
"WHAT IN HEAVEN'S NAME DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Screamed Nick as he twitched uncontrollably.  
"…STOP THAT!" Kevin added, although he didn't really mind the girls looking over the toboggan, he just wanted to fit in with his brothers.  
The three boys ran up to the girls to defend their territory.  
"This is a TOTAL fail of a toboggan," Said the taller of the two to the other.  
"I know, totally UNAERODYNAMIC. Built by amateurs, clearly." Responded the other.

Three brothers let out three gasps of shock, disbelief, and horror.

"Why, ON THE FREAKIN CONTRARY!" Joe spat, "We HAPPEN to be professionals."

The two girls exchanged superior glances.

"Well, pros like you must know how steer down Venomous Moth Mountain!" Said the darker haired girl.

"Venomous Moth Mountain?" asked Nick, unclear.

"Oh you know, the giant hill just down the route, that noone has ever come out of alive?" added the taller girl.

"Oh, well obviously, we know. We were just making sure we were talking about the same venomous moth." Covered Joe, "but we obviously know how to steer that mountain. We only ride down every winter."

"Alright then, show us!" said the dark haired girl to the boys. She and the other girl exchanged glances again, and together, they lifted their hands and snapped their fingers twice.

Suddenly, there was a crash of light. The boys lurched forward. It felt like somebody had snapped their backs in half. But when they looked up, they were standing at the top of the biggest mountain they had ever seen.

"I think I just wet myself" meeped Kevin.  
"…Ew." Joe responded in disgust.  
"Pitiful…" Nick said, shaking his head.  
"ALRIGHT! SO who will be the pilot of this pile of crap today?" The dark haired girl asked.  
"Any takers?" The taller one added "…No? I PICK YOU!" The tall girl grabbed Joe's arm, flung him into the toboggan and yelled "OFF YOU GO!" Before giving the toboggan a push.  
Whilst this was all happening, quite a few things were running through Joe's mind, and they were as follows…  
"No way in HECK am I going to volunteer to go down THAT hill. Not in a million years, never ever. I would never even set foot in that toboggan, not when we're at the top of THIS monstrosity. Wait, why is she looking at me like that? She's touching my arm… Why… What on earth? I'm in the sled. I could've SWORN I thought to myself about 15 seconds ago that I would never do this. Off I go? Why, wherever am I going? OH CRAP! NO I DON'T WANT TO! NOOOOOO!"  
And off he went. The other two brothers looked on in dismay as they watched Joe flail in the sled as he began to embark on what may be his last sled ride ever.  
Their thought processes were much easier to follow.  
"Thank GOD that's not me. I\m much too handsome to die today."

"I wonder what a unicorn sandwiche would taste like? Posivitely delightful I assume! I am going to make one if we get home for dinner!"

Meanwhile, the two girls and two remaining boys watched as Joe attempted to stay alive on the journey down. They all cringed as he dodged a giant rock, which he missed by a hair. They watched as he took a sharp turn to the left, then swerved back to the right, then went over a bump in the road and was launched into the air momentarily. They watched through their fingers as he came back down to the ground, and they knew that he had to have just taken a nasty spill. They waited, and waited, but they never saw Joe's figure recover and stand back up again.

Several minutes went by, and even the girls were beginning to get slightly worried. The darker haired girl glanced slightly over the younger looking brother's shoulder as she began her inner monologue,

"Shoot, I hope he is okay. I didn't want him to die, he was the best looking one out of the three!"

She snapped back to reality as someone suggested, "We should go look for him!"

Everyone nodded in agreement, and Kevin lifted two fingers to his mouth and whistled, beckoning a large, majestic, winged, beige coloured hippopotamus, who flew down from the sky and landed beside him.

"This is my pet hippo, Café au Lait." Explained Kevin.

"Hello Café au Lait, Café au Lait's owner, and Café Au Lait's owner's brother," Said the taller girl, " My name is Kirsten. And this is my friend Alex." She motioned to the other girl, who casually waved.

"My name is Nick, and this is my Kevin…." Stumbled Nick. He was a little caught off guard by the sound of Kirsten's name. It was a surprisingly stunning name.

"Oh, you two aren't brothers then? My mistake I'm awfully sorry I didn't realize you two were-" Kirsten started,  
"Huh? NO, no. I Kevin IS my brother."  
"…Ew?" Alex remarked, disgusted.  
"What? OH! NO! Kevin is my brother, NOT my lover. I'm not sure why I said 'my' Kevin." Nick explained. "Wow. They think I'm an idiot. A gay, incestual idiot." Nick thought to himself.  
Kevin just stood there feeding Café au Lait jube jubes, not paying an ounce of attention.  
"Anyways…" Kirsten continued, "Should we go make sure your brother is still alive then?"  
"I'll just take my flying hippo down to give him a little looksy." Kevin said with a smirk. "I can take one other passenger. Either of you two want to join m-"  
"ME!" Alex finished, and answered his question at the same time.  
Kevin gracefully leaped upon the hippopotamus, while Alex struggled her way up. Nick, Kevin and Kirsten all gave her a look.  
"…Jeez, sorry. I've never had to straddle a Hippo before, give me a break…" Alex said.

"Never EVER?" Asked Nick, in disbelief.

There was a moment of awkward silence.

"REALLY Great," Nick thought to himself again, "Now they think I'm a gay incestual idiot who likes to straddle freaking swamp animals for fun!"

He looked up and noticed that Kirsten was watching him and giggling, His cheeks transititioned through about 6 different shades of red.

Kevin kicked the ground and the hippo took off into the sky, hovering above the others. Alex sat in the rear, arms wrapped around kevin's torso and clearly mesmerized by the whole situation, and they lurched forwards as Café Au lait took a nose dive and flew towards the bottom of the mountain ledge where Joe had disappeared.

MEANWHILE….

Joe felt himself falling. He couldn't see a thing. He opened his eyes to try and fix this, but nothing changed. Everything was black. He couldn't even see the shiny sterling ring which normally glistened on his finger with pride. He was racing at top speed downward through what appeared to be air. It was the weirdest sensation, and he swore he could hear somebody cackling. He looked above him, and finally there was a sight to be seen! He saw a bright white circular light, getting smaller and smaller as he continued to fal farther and farther away. Had he fallen down a bottomless pit? He wondered, was he ever going to stop falling and hit something? Was this the end of the world? Was this the end of the universe? Or was he going to run into some wise philosopher who was going to answer all of his burning questions?

"Joe wake up" Kevin said for about the shfifty fifth time. Café au Lait slobbered on Joe's face and he opened his eyes. Turns out, the sled had crashed… Crashed sounds like to strong a word. The sled had stopped moving, and Joe had gotten bored and simply taken a nap on the hill.  
"Venomous Moth? Pffft I freaking fell asleep, this hill is so tame." Joe said proudly. He looked up and noticed Alex was watching him, and so, like any egotistical male, he began to flex his muscles and rant about how great he is. He was cut off however, when he almost tripped doing a lunge, kicking the Jonas toboggan by mistake. It sped down the hill right into a wood chipper.  
"Well… So much for that." Alex said.  
"Huh? What just happened?" Kevin asked as he was once again distracted. Joe snatched the jube jubes from Kevin and Café au Lait grunted unhappily.  
The three of them boarded the hippo and flew down to the wood chipper to investigate.  
It was a sad site indeed. The toboggan was no more. They decided to hold a brief funeral for it, in which Kevin insisted on being the priest.  
"A priest really isn't necessary at a funeral, you know" Joe tried to explain, but Kevin would just not listen to any of Joe's jibber jabber. When the funeral was over, Joe picked up the only remains of the toboggan… A single woodchip painted aquamarine.  
The three once again took off on Café au Lait to the top of the hill to find Kirsten and Nick.


	2. CH 2: Mishap in the Magenta Room

**CHAPTER 2 – Mishap in the Magenta Room**

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Kevin shot a glance over towards Café Au Lait, who understood, and crouched down, to provide Alex with an easier mount.

"Gee, thanks," she cooed sarcastically. She stepped onto the giant creature's back and gave him a little pat of affection.

Kevin mounted next. He was about to kick off, sending the hippo into the sky, when he realized what he was forgetting.

"Darn! I only have room for two passengers on this thing. I will have to take Alex up to the top of the mountain and then come back for you, Joe." Kevin explained.

Joe nodded in agreement. And waved as Kevin kicked the ground. Alex smiled and waved him goodbye. He waved back, and his purity ring glistened.

Now, what does one do around here for entertainment? Joe wondered to himself. He began to search for something, a small woodland creature, perhaps, to entertain himself during the wait.

When Alex and Kevin arrived back at the top of the mountain, they saw Kirsten and Nick, standing in the middle of a pile of rubble, both redfaced and worked up, arguing about last week's episode of Glee.

"What do you MEAN Rachael and Finn aren't good for eachother? They're like… SUCH A GOOD COUPLE!" Nick exclaimed  
"They're so cliché. Like, it's just to happily ever after if they get together." Kirsten defended.  
Nick gave Kirsten a look of dismay. "WHATS WRONG WITH THAT!"  
"Nothing, if Finn's happily ever after is with me!" Kirsten shrugged.

And Nick felt a pang of disappointment.

"Guys, guys, guys!" said Kevin as he dismounted Café Au Lait. "Settle this later! We have IMPORTANT business to take care of. First, I am going to go back and find my brother." And he remounted, making his dismount pointless, and went back down the mountain.

Nick turned to Kirsten  
"We still have a solid 2 minutes to argue if he's going back down the mountain. Kevin is such a kidder." He laughed.  
Alex turned to look at them both. "Could you NOT though? Start thinking about the important issues Kevin was talking about!"  
"What important issues?" Nick asked

"I don't know, but if we start brainstorming now, we may know by the time he gets back!"

So they sat down in the snow, and did not do that. They just talked about normal stuff.

Kevin returned to the bottom of the mountain to pick up Joe, only to find him pestering a little leprechaun.

"Do you shave your beard? How fast does it grow? How about your moustache? Where do you get that suit? How do you get to be so short? WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?"

"JOE! Leave the little man alone!" Kevin persisted.  
Joe proceeded to pick up the leprechaun by the scruff of his shirt and shake him about whilst yelling "WHERE IS YOUR POT OF GOLD! I NEED IT MORE THAN YOU DO! ANNND BRING ME YOUR LUCKY CHARMS TOO! I'm a bit peckish."  
"JOE! PUT THE LEPRECAUN DOWN… And MOUNT THE FREAKIN BEIGE HIPPO." Kevin instructed.  
"…Kay." Joe replied and did exactly that.  
They returned to the top of the mountain to find Alex, Kirsten and Nick discussing something that the other two couldn't quite grasp onto. It was something about goats and peanut butter.

Suddenly, the wind picked up, which nearly blew Joe off the ledge and sent him tumbling back down the mountain. He had to flail uncontrollably to keep his balance. Once he did, they all began to notice that the wind was becoming more and more aggressive.

"Uh oh, there's a storm a brewin!" exclaimed Kevin.

"Come everyone, lets go back to our castle!" Nick said.

"You guys have a CASTLE?" Kirsten asked in wonder.

"Yyyyyyep." Nick replied, with a smirk.

"But Kevin! You can only take one person back at a time!" Joe cried.

"Guys, guys, not to worry. We got this!" Alex and Kirsten reassured them. "Kevin, what is the address?"

And Kevin dictated the address, which I am NOT going to type, because we can't have you going to stalk them, now can we?

Alex and Kirsten looked at eachother, and at the brothers, and snapped their fingers twice. The scene was suddenly lurched away and replaced with a tropical paradise! They stood standing in front of a giant castle on what appeared to be an island.

"Woah…..Cool." Alex was getting mesmerized again.

Joe turned to her, "I KNOW, right? You know what ELSE is cool?"  
"What?" Alex asked, wide eyed.  
"My-"  
"HOE could you not do this right now? I Have no idea what you're going to say but it's probably either rude, or stupid. Or both. So let's just skip that and give Kirsten and Alex a tour."  
"…Did you just call me hoe?" Joe inquired  
"…My bad, it was a typo." Kevin covered  
"Dude there are no typos when you're speaking out loud." Joe said sounding irked.  
There was an awkward beat.  
"…LET'S SPLIT UP INTO GROUPS!" Nick exclaimed. "Kirsten and I are a group CALLED IT!"  
"Alex and I are gonna be a group too, so I can show her how cool my-" Joe started  
"JOE. NOT. NOW." Kevin repeated. I guess that means the Café au Lait is MY partner. Suckers, I got the winged hippo on my team you guys just got girls." Kevin snorted.

Both groups shot him a look, and departed onto separate tours.

"Now we can finally be in peace and I can FINALLY show you what I was going to show you before my brother called me a hoe!" Joe exclaimed as he and Alex walked away together.

"Okay um great!" Alex replied.

And they crossed the drawbridge over the moat, and walked through the giant entry way into a majestic front hallway. It looked like-

"Don't waste your time looking at this boring old front hallway! Come with me!" Joe squealed and he grabbed Alex's arm. "I'm gonna show you my ROOM!"

MEANWHILE

"Come on Café au Lait. We'll totally win this game." Kevin started, "But wait… What is the game? Did we even explain it? IS THERE EVEN A GAME AT ALL?" Kevin looked around him in desperation. "Well. If there is no game, I guess we're just going to have to make one up ourselves, RIGHT CAFÉ AU LAIT?"  
The hippo snorted it's agreement.  
"OKAY. WELL. FIRST OF ALL, We'll have to count EVERYTHING in this house. Everything… Actually wait there's a lot of stuff in this house, maybe just everything that's magenta…. Actually you know what that's still quite a bit. Oh well, WE CAN DO IT IF WE JUST BELIEVE!" Kevin exclaimed, taking Café au Lait by the wing and prancing off into the castle.

MEANWHILE…

"And this is the bathroom….we have about 50 bathrooms…you never know, right!" Nick chuckled loudly to himself and Kirsten smiled and nodded.

"And if you follow me down this hallway, you will see our fabulous MAGENTA room! Everything in this room is magenta! Isn't that GRAND!"

"Thats ridiculous! Everything in this room cannot be MAGENTA! There has to be something in there that isn't magenta!"

"There ISN'T! That's the beauty of the magenta room!"  
"Liar! It's impossible! You just can't have a room full of magenta items!"

"CAN SO!"

"CAN NOT!"

"CAN DOUBLE SO!"

"Wow, we've known eachother for like an hour and we already argue about everything!"

"I know! It's like we're an OLD MARRIED COUPLE!" Nick said dreamily.

MEANWHILE

"So, this is my armchair…" Joe began  
"Mhm…" Alex murmured her understanding  
"And this is my footstool…" He continued  
"Yeah…"  
"And this is my collection of zombie comics…" He explained  
"Oh really?"  
"And this is my TV set… Along with my movies…" He demonstrated  
"That's cool."  
"And this is my BED" He said happily  
"That's nice"  
"…And that's the end of the tour." He concluded  
"Mhm…"  
"I said I'm done now..." He once again concluded  
"That's lovely"  
"ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?" He shouted  
"Oh wow that's a lovely colour."  
"Hmm, I could have some fun with this…" He pondered  
"That accents the room wonderfully!"  
"Alex smells like a gassy camel." He said with a smirk  
"DO NOT!" Alex yelled

MEANWHILE

"Wow, Café au Lait. There really ISN'T that much magenta in this castle… OH WAIT! I forgot about the magenta room! I'll just make my way over there now, won't I. That seems like a GRAND place to begin my count." Kevin chirped. Café au Lait grunted. They turned the hallway past one of the many bathrooms and walked through the magenta doorway…well, almost through. Café Au Lait didn't quite fit, unfortunately, and he got stuck, trapping Kevin inside!

"Now! Which magenta item should I count first? How about this lovely lamp shade? I will count that first….ONE….okay, what next? What do you think Café Au Lait? Café au Lait?..Caf- OH MY GOSH WHAT HAPPENENED TO YOU?" He ran to the mighty hippo's aid. "You got STUCK! Dear me….you're going to have to start laying off those Café Au Lait's, aren't you!" Kevin chuckled at his own joke, until he realised that Café Au Lait was lodged in the doorway and he was on the inside.

"Wait….how do I get out of here? GUYS! ANYBODY OUT THERE? HELLOOOOO?"

MEANWHILE….

"LOOK, KIRSTEN! I SWEAR TO YOU THAT THE MAGENTA ROOM IS REAL! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO NEGATIVE? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BELIEVE IN ME? I THOUGHT THAT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL! I THOUGHT THAT-" But he was cut off as he walked and crashed right into a large hippo bottom. Thud.

"What is THIS?" Nick exclaimed gesturing towards a beige hippo's bum. "AND WHY IS IT IN MY DOORWAY? I'm trying to prove a point here."  
"GUYS? GUYS! IM STUCK! CAFÉ AU LAIT HAD A BIG BREAKFAST AND NOW IM STUCK FOREVER! I wish this darned hippo could keep his eating habits under control." A voice mumbled from within the room.  
"Kevin? IS THAT YOU?" Kirsten inquired  
"OF COURSE IT'S ME! Who ELSE would get stuck in a giant magenta room because their pet flying hippopotamus blockaded the doorway? HELP ME!" Kevin exclaimed.  
Kirsten and Nick exchanged questioning glances.  
"Prove it to us that it's the REAL Kevin and not an IMPOSTER!" Kirsten ordered.  
"HOW AM I GOING TO DO THAT!" Kevin asked frantically.  
"Hmmm… Tell us something only KEVIN knows about me!" Nick instructed

"Okay…hmm…let's see…OH YES! When Nick was little, he used to have this recurring nightmare that the mutant leprechaun babies would kidnap him and hold him captive and then make him do their chores and for his whole life he has since been afraid of-"

"OKAY OKAY! KEVIN THAT IS ENOUGH!" Nick cut him off. He looked at Kirsten and shrugged as if to say "_I don't know what he is talking about he is so weird_."

"We are going to call for help, okay? We are going to go get Joe and Alex! We will be right back!" Kirsten called to Kevin over the large bum that was protruding from the doorway.

Kevin didn't make any noise, so they assumed that he had either forgotten that he couldn't be seen and had just nodded, or that he had found something really entertaining in the magenta room, and they headed down the hall to Joe's room. Nick knew that Joe would have taken Alex there and only there anyways.

As Nick and Kirsten entered Joe's room, Nick GASPED.  
"WHATTTTT IS GOING ON IN HERE?"  
Kirsten entered behind him to see Joe and Alex sitting on Joe's carpet.  
"We're playing jenga… What does it look like…" Joe stated.  
"Oh, okay I guess that's fine then." Nick smiled and nodded.  
There was a moment of silence… Which Kirsten decided to break without hesitation.

"KEVIN GOT STUCK IN THE MAGENTA ROOM BECAUSE THERES A HIPPO STUCK IN THE DOORWAY!WEHAVETOGOSAVEHIM!GO!GO!GO!" She cried out  
The jenga tower collapsed.  
Joe looked down at it, disheartened… It took a few moments for him and Alex to soak up what had just been said.  
"…Wait, could you repeat that?" Alex asked  
"Sure." Kirsten replied.  
"KEVIN GOT STUCK IN THE MAGENTA ROOM BECAUSE THERES A HIPPO STUCK IN THE DOORWAY! WEHAVETOGOSAVEHIM!GO!GO!GO!" She cried out for round two.  
Nick and Kirsten grabbed Alex and Joe's arms and hurried them over to the magenta doorway where Café au Lait was nowhere to be found!  
"…Where is the hippo…?" Nick asked, confused.  
"OH MY GOD there really IS a magenta room!" Kirsten exclaimed as she peeked in the now empty doorway.


End file.
